Can you swallow this bullshit?

Our worldwide operations are aligned around a global strategy called the Plan to Win, which center on an exceptional customer experience – People, Products, Place, Price and Promotion. We are committed to continuously improving our operations and enhancing our customers' experience.

Jeezly crow.  This is the mission statement from one of the world's most recognisable brands and it means what? Nothing.  Here's a paragraph utterly without meaning, it doesn't inspire, give any insight, it doesn't even describe anything. It's "meh", it's vanilla, it's depressingly without any merit and what I would describe as "masturbatory" - it no doubt gave someone, somewhere a lot of pleasure but to me - totally irrelevant.

So which company came up with this insipid bullshit?  Well the main problem is that this could be anyone - there's no mention of what the product is or what type of service is on offer.

It's actually McDonalds. They don't even mention food, which for God's sake, is the one area they ought to focus on.


Recent experiences of said organisation's comestible offerings and the whole thing falls into place.  Quite why Mcdonalds hold the nation enthralled I do not know.  It's bad enough that we've allowed them to implant themselves as the official restaurant (!?) of the Olympics (how does that fit in with your Olympic values and lofty legacy goals?) but there are two or three in every town, packed to the rafters and the food, quite frankly, is shit.  In fact it reflects the missions statement perfectly: utterly without meaning, it doesn't inspire, give any insight, it's vanilla, it's depressingly without any merit.


Give me a Kebab anytime.....

You Sir, are indeed Special....

"Yes Sir, of course you're Special.  We recognised you were Special as soon as we saw you.  No, of course the Captain didn't mean YOU, when he said keep your seatbelt on and your phone switched off.  No, he was clearly talking to the rest of the riff-raff, we clearly understand that you're Special and you need to update your Facebook status the very second we land, after all, your followers must be very worried that the plane's landed and that you, the Special one, are safe.  No, not at all sir, we only tell the riff-raff to keep their phones off so that we keep the mobile networks free just for you, after all, you are indeed Special.  Ha ha ha, oh you heard our little joke about the aircraft refuelling and the highly flammable nature of aviation fuel, Oh no, sir, you needn't worry about that.  Not only are you Special, your phone is no doubt extremely Special, you're probably made of asbestos too - and if everyone else is consumed in a fiery inferno, well that will simply mean a shorter queue for you at passport control! Ha ha ha.  Oh don't worry about waiting your turn to get off the plane, feel free to push past anyone you wish, after all, you're Special, and while you paid the same for the flight as everyone else, you probably paid in Special pounds. The riff-raff will soon get out of the way if you push them enough! Don't worry Sir, as you're Special, everyone knows the rules don't apply to you, so when you stop at the supermarket on the way home, park in the Parents & Children spaces  - we've had a word with Sainsbury's and they agree you're Special and the big signs don't mean YOU - those parents make such a fuss about things don't they? In fact, those disabled people too! They shouldn't have all of those spaces in the first place! After all, if they were THAT disabled they wouldn't be going shopping would they? Park there! It's even closer! I bet they don't realise how special your life is and walking that extra 20 metres from a normal parking space might put the entire world in serious jeopardy!  Good job that you know that you're special and the normal rules don't apply.  In fact, whatever you do, please ignore all the signs, ignore good manners, push past everyone you can, keep your devices on, your seat reclined and your tray table down for all I care.  Because you, YOU sir, are indeed special."