Can you swallow this bullshit?

Our worldwide operations are aligned around a global strategy called the Plan to Win, which center on an exceptional customer experience – People, Products, Place, Price and Promotion. We are committed to continuously improving our operations and enhancing our customers' experience.

Jeezly crow.  This is the mission statement from one of the world's most recognisable brands and it means what? Nothing.  Here's a paragraph utterly without meaning, it doesn't inspire, give any insight, it doesn't even describe anything. It's "meh", it's vanilla, it's depressingly without any merit and what I would describe as "masturbatory" - it no doubt gave someone, somewhere a lot of pleasure but to me - totally irrelevant.

So which company came up with this insipid bullshit?  Well the main problem is that this could be anyone - there's no mention of what the product is or what type of service is on offer.

It's actually McDonalds. They don't even mention food, which for God's sake, is the one area they ought to focus on.


Recent experiences of said organisation's comestible offerings and the whole thing falls into place.  Quite why Mcdonalds hold the nation enthralled I do not know.  It's bad enough that we've allowed them to implant themselves as the official restaurant (!?) of the Olympics (how does that fit in with your Olympic values and lofty legacy goals?) but there are two or three in every town, packed to the rafters and the food, quite frankly, is shit.  In fact it reflects the missions statement perfectly: utterly without meaning, it doesn't inspire, give any insight, it's vanilla, it's depressingly without any merit.


Give me a Kebab anytime.....

You Sir, are indeed Special....

"Yes Sir, of course you're Special.  We recognised you were Special as soon as we saw you.  No, of course the Captain didn't mean YOU, when he said keep your seatbelt on and your phone switched off.  No, he was clearly talking to the rest of the riff-raff, we clearly understand that you're Special and you need to update your Facebook status the very second we land, after all, your followers must be very worried that the plane's landed and that you, the Special one, are safe.  No, not at all sir, we only tell the riff-raff to keep their phones off so that we keep the mobile networks free just for you, after all, you are indeed Special.  Ha ha ha, oh you heard our little joke about the aircraft refuelling and the highly flammable nature of aviation fuel, Oh no, sir, you needn't worry about that.  Not only are you Special, your phone is no doubt extremely Special, you're probably made of asbestos too - and if everyone else is consumed in a fiery inferno, well that will simply mean a shorter queue for you at passport control! Ha ha ha.  Oh don't worry about waiting your turn to get off the plane, feel free to push past anyone you wish, after all, you're Special, and while you paid the same for the flight as everyone else, you probably paid in Special pounds. The riff-raff will soon get out of the way if you push them enough! Don't worry Sir, as you're Special, everyone knows the rules don't apply to you, so when you stop at the supermarket on the way home, park in the Parents & Children spaces  - we've had a word with Sainsbury's and they agree you're Special and the big signs don't mean YOU - those parents make such a fuss about things don't they? In fact, those disabled people too! They shouldn't have all of those spaces in the first place! After all, if they were THAT disabled they wouldn't be going shopping would they? Park there! It's even closer! I bet they don't realise how special your life is and walking that extra 20 metres from a normal parking space might put the entire world in serious jeopardy!  Good job that you know that you're special and the normal rules don't apply.  In fact, whatever you do, please ignore all the signs, ignore good manners, push past everyone you can, keep your devices on, your seat reclined and your tray table down for all I care.  Because you, YOU sir, are indeed special."

Cech v. Scorpius.....

Uncanny...

Long pass from Charlie Adam picks out Glen Johnson who nutmegs Ashley Cole and beats Cech at the Farscape.  I mean far post.

These aren't the droids we're looking for - ours are much cleaner....

Those sad enough to read earlier entries of this non regular depository of random vitriol may recall my thoughts regarding remakes of classic films and "New Editions" of classics that one simply must buy, if only for the fact that it's there. If you thought that was dull, look away now.

Well, I've been and gone and done it again. As a recent recipient of a Blu-Ray DVD player (supplemented by our Harman/Kardan Sound Sticks - too, too cool) I requested and was rewarded with Star Wars 1 to 3 (or in effect 4-6) for my birthday. By 1 to 3, I mean the first films that came out, not the first three films in the sequence. You know, the ones where the R2D2 didn't have the jetpacks and Luke's hair is still a little bit big for comfort.

So, as I said before, I'll probably buy any new edition of my fave films just to get the bit of screen I didn't see (Widescreen edition), the 3 to 4 extra minutes of footage (Directors Cut) or the 5 minutes of digitally re-mastered CGI extended editions - or another three-quarters of an hour if you go the whole hog and buy the Lord of the Rings ED. (Totally, totally fucking worth it though, AND I would have gone the extra hour if they'd left in the little civil war in the Shire at the end).

However, buying a new set of Star Wars 1 to 6 on Blu-Ray strikes me as slightly different. Youe see, from wht I can gather, there's not actual new content. Same film, different resolution. (That's screen resolution not the ending) Same story, nothing added,but the space ships are grubbier, the robots frankly need a bit of a jetwash. I'm not really complaining as I love any new insight or new way of viewing these things...but the higher dpi doesn't do much for one or two characters in hindsight - good job they didn't change the dialogue...

Leia: Aren't you a little short for a Storm trooper
Luke: Are you a bit fucking spotty for a princess?

Now that I know who the "Injunction Celebrities" are, can someone please tell me who they are...?

OK, so I fell for it. I tried to resist for a while but ended up looking for details on Twitter and other blogs into who's bedroom shenanigans are causing all this fuss on every single media channel.

And I found what seems to be the answer (if consensus is anything to go by).

Now will somebody please tell me who the hell these people are? Ok I know of a couple of them but half of them I had to look up, even AFTER I knew their name and then seen a photo. I have to wonder about the size of some of the egos at work here.

The ultimate irony is that had these people not tried to keep their antics secret, I wouldn't have known, nor cared. Probably would have ignored the piece in the paper had it ever appeared. But know it's social media heaven, it's on BBC 5 live, it's all over the on and offline media it gives even most lazy bloggers like me something to sneer about.

But what really strikes me about "gagging orders", is that they don't seem to let us both ways. For instance, why don't they let us gag the celebrities?

I'm sick of hearing and seeing Katie Price, a once fairly pretty girl who got her boobs out, decided that letting us know every intimate detail of her life was just what we wanted and now just won't go away. Why not put an injunction on her?

Kerry Katona. Another one who gets right on my tits. Injunction! Cease and Desist Order!

Pete Doherty. Aaaargh!

In fact the sheer number of people I could apply this to has just made me extremely angry. I'm going for a lie down, it's simply too good an idea.

When you’re just dying to get on to television. Oh and the human centipede.

If I was one of the hard-core Emo kids I’d be going spare right now.  Honestly, if you harbour an honest pretention for years that only the cool dark gothic types like Edgar Allen Poe or Mary Shelley or Bram Stoker could really reach your cold, dark misunderstood soul.  And then suddenly, you can’t  turn on a movie without  falling over the undead, or turn on the TV without some cool attractive teenagers walking out of a lake - even the kids that wash or at least don’t wear long stripey socks are into the undead right now.   Twilight, Being Human, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Blood Ties, Vampire High, the list seems to be getting endless.  And what do the Emo Kids turn to now?  Particularly since My Chemical Romance got all crappy and sold out.

Not obvious.  At all.

Anyway, don’t get me wrong, I like a vampire now and again

Buffy was a truly good show.  Not just for the obvious reasons either.

What really gets me is the laziness of whoever’s commissioning this ever increasing number of programmes featuring the dead, the undead, the back from the dead, and the not dead but gets angry and unpleasant at a certain time of the month.   I mean werewolves, clearly.   [obvious joke removed]

I presume it’s not a lack of imagination on the writer’s side.

Writer: “Hey chief, got a new show idea for you”

Executive:  “Cool.  How many vampires?”

Or worse.

Meeting:

Exec 1: “Ladies and Gents, we’ve done some extensive market research.  The current downward economic cycle, polictical instability and personal uncertainty is leading to a new-fatalism within our target demographics.  They want something that taps into that dark zeitgeist.

So having looked at what our competitors do, vampires, werewolves, zombies, ghosts etc, we’ve come up with a totally new angle which meets both our target audience needs and targets our competitor share of the audience.

“It’s going to be based around a group of young, cool, good-looking vampires.”

Exec2: “But that’s what everyone is doing”

Exec1: “Yes, but ours will be wearing hats.”

And finally….The Human Centipede

I’d never heard of a horror film genre called “body shock” but it’s apparently trying new and foul ways to make you feel sick or something. (Jeez these guys should try eating at Chiquito’s which I might suggest is a marginally less costly but 100% more effective way of provoking nausea).

But I finally saw the film Human Centipede on the weekend.  The premise is foul and I won’t explain here, and parts are pretty hard to sit through – excruciating by being both disgusting and staggeringly poor at the same time.  

My major beef is that this type of film for me looks to provoke a singular human response. “It’s sick” cries the Director.  We go home feeling sick.  Well done.

I’d rather not be told what I should be feeling during and after a film and the best films surely aim higher in looking to provoke the whole range of human responses, sometimes at the same time and quite often with ambiguity.   See Schindler’s List if you want to be truly disgusted.  And no-one’s sewing someone’s bum to someone else’s face.  Which takes me back to Chiquito’s….

If you have to tell people it's a revolution, it's probably not a revolution...

This morning I looked down to see the delectable Kylie Minogue staring up at me.  Sadly, only from a loose insert that had found it's way to my bedroom floor.

Kylie Minogue in a Lexus?  The revolution is apparently here.

If I were to be overly pedantic, it's perhaps an unfortunate campaign strapline given the real revolutions going on in the Middle East and North Africa.  After all, changing your car to a hybrid is not quite as difficult as trying to avoid being shot by the secret police.  Nor is as difficult as toppling an encumbent military dictator who's been oppressing your country for 30 years without being trampled by a camel. 

I imagine that no-one in Tahrir Square read that little gem, stood up and shouted out "Hey guys, it's OK, we can go home now - Kylie's got a Lexus!"

But revolutions aside, I had to ponder over the wisdom of using Ms Minogue to front this campaign.  If, like me, when you think Lexus the first image that pops into your mind is "beige driving gloves" then you wonder whether Kylie is really the right ambassador. (Would you put Lady Gaga on a stairlift for instance?)

Clearly the chaps and chappettes at Lexus are pushing the brand to a new audience - new hybrid, new brand ambassador, and trying to appeal to those younger than their usual customers who might opt for a more dynamic marque given the choice.  Brave move, but I guess the average Lexus driver will be pretty loyal and broadening the brand's appeal to the younger audience is a logical move.  I just wonder if it's a step too far too soon - I would have to think hard before buying a Lexus - even with Kylie in it.

Oh who am I kidding?  I'd get into a wheelie-bin if Kylie was in it.  But it wouldn't necessarily make me believe that wheelie bins are cool.