When you’re just dying to get on to television. Oh and the human centipede.

If I was one of the hard-core Emo kids I’d be going spare right now.  Honestly, if you harbour an honest pretention for years that only the cool dark gothic types like Edgar Allen Poe or Mary Shelley or Bram Stoker could really reach your cold, dark misunderstood soul.  And then suddenly, you can’t  turn on a movie without  falling over the undead, or turn on the TV without some cool attractive teenagers walking out of a lake - even the kids that wash or at least don’t wear long stripey socks are into the undead right now.   Twilight, Being Human, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Blood Ties, Vampire High, the list seems to be getting endless.  And what do the Emo Kids turn to now?  Particularly since My Chemical Romance got all crappy and sold out.

Not obvious.  At all.

Anyway, don’t get me wrong, I like a vampire now and again

Buffy was a truly good show.  Not just for the obvious reasons either.

What really gets me is the laziness of whoever’s commissioning this ever increasing number of programmes featuring the dead, the undead, the back from the dead, and the not dead but gets angry and unpleasant at a certain time of the month.   I mean werewolves, clearly.   [obvious joke removed]

I presume it’s not a lack of imagination on the writer’s side.

Writer: “Hey chief, got a new show idea for you”

Executive:  “Cool.  How many vampires?”

Or worse.

Meeting:

Exec 1: “Ladies and Gents, we’ve done some extensive market research.  The current downward economic cycle, polictical instability and personal uncertainty is leading to a new-fatalism within our target demographics.  They want something that taps into that dark zeitgeist.

So having looked at what our competitors do, vampires, werewolves, zombies, ghosts etc, we’ve come up with a totally new angle which meets both our target audience needs and targets our competitor share of the audience.

“It’s going to be based around a group of young, cool, good-looking vampires.”

Exec2: “But that’s what everyone is doing”

Exec1: “Yes, but ours will be wearing hats.”

And finally….The Human Centipede

I’d never heard of a horror film genre called “body shock” but it’s apparently trying new and foul ways to make you feel sick or something. (Jeez these guys should try eating at Chiquito’s which I might suggest is a marginally less costly but 100% more effective way of provoking nausea).

But I finally saw the film Human Centipede on the weekend.  The premise is foul and I won’t explain here, and parts are pretty hard to sit through – excruciating by being both disgusting and staggeringly poor at the same time.  

My major beef is that this type of film for me looks to provoke a singular human response. “It’s sick” cries the Director.  We go home feeling sick.  Well done.

I’d rather not be told what I should be feeling during and after a film and the best films surely aim higher in looking to provoke the whole range of human responses, sometimes at the same time and quite often with ambiguity.   See Schindler’s List if you want to be truly disgusted.  And no-one’s sewing someone’s bum to someone else’s face.  Which takes me back to Chiquito’s….

If you have to tell people it's a revolution, it's probably not a revolution...

This morning I looked down to see the delectable Kylie Minogue staring up at me.  Sadly, only from a loose insert that had found it's way to my bedroom floor.

Kylie Minogue in a Lexus?  The revolution is apparently here.

If I were to be overly pedantic, it's perhaps an unfortunate campaign strapline given the real revolutions going on in the Middle East and North Africa.  After all, changing your car to a hybrid is not quite as difficult as trying to avoid being shot by the secret police.  Nor is as difficult as toppling an encumbent military dictator who's been oppressing your country for 30 years without being trampled by a camel. 

I imagine that no-one in Tahrir Square read that little gem, stood up and shouted out "Hey guys, it's OK, we can go home now - Kylie's got a Lexus!"

But revolutions aside, I had to ponder over the wisdom of using Ms Minogue to front this campaign.  If, like me, when you think Lexus the first image that pops into your mind is "beige driving gloves" then you wonder whether Kylie is really the right ambassador. (Would you put Lady Gaga on a stairlift for instance?)

Clearly the chaps and chappettes at Lexus are pushing the brand to a new audience - new hybrid, new brand ambassador, and trying to appeal to those younger than their usual customers who might opt for a more dynamic marque given the choice.  Brave move, but I guess the average Lexus driver will be pretty loyal and broadening the brand's appeal to the younger audience is a logical move.  I just wonder if it's a step too far too soon - I would have to think hard before buying a Lexus - even with Kylie in it.

Oh who am I kidding?  I'd get into a wheelie-bin if Kylie was in it.  But it wouldn't necessarily make me believe that wheelie bins are cool.

Top-down Ketchup and the Agents of Change

Top-down Ketchup.  Like squeezy Marmite one of the true marks of progress in our time.

However, there are dark forces afoot. 

If you happen to be in someone's house, be it friend or relative, I challenge you to check their condiment cupboard, fridge or pantry and check out what's going on with the Ketchup situation.  It's a true marker for life.

A: Glass bottle: good stuff nostalgia: I've recently got back into ELO (I can't it it out of my head  - ha!) - guilty pleasure from my childhood - much like Colonel Wilma Deering from Buck Rogers, who used to make me go all funny and need a lie down. Still does in fact.

Yarp!

And I currently can't stop playing Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" - now that IS a song. (particularly with the Muppets doing backing vocals).

However, if you're still bashing the arse out of a glass bottle of Heinz for any other reason than nostalgia, you perhaps need to move on.

B: Squeezy Ketchup.  Now this individual is no stranger to change.  Probably realised early that Betamax was going nowhere and grasped VHS with both hands.  However, might still be waiting to see if the internet catches on.  Unfortunately, the only justification for squeezy top-up ketchup is that it has be one of the cheap brands one might find in Aldi, and that unfortunately comes under guilty childhood pleasures (see above).  Otherwise you're just not in the game.

C: Top-Down Ketchup,  Now you're talking. These dudes are cutting edge.  You should be honoured in their presence, they know their shit.  They've purchased a ketchup product YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO SHAKE!  This is the kind of individual you want to employ, they're not only aware of new technology, they'll embrace it.  They're frontier builders.  They'll be with you every step if you want to change things.

However.....
D:  Top-Down Ketchup Bottle Stored with the top up!
Aaaargh.  Aaaaaaaaaargh!  Double yew tee eff?
Seriously, these are the guys you need to look out for, in fact I'd even advocate testing people you're condsidering employing.  It's simple, if they choose top-down ketchup but you find it in their cupboard with the top up, you need to worry. 

Having worked in a vast global corp for many years, you come across people that superficially grasp change, they make the right noises but at the end of the day, behaviourally they're not committed and will always put the ketchup back in the cupboard with the lid at the top (metaphorically). Cowards and Luddites.  They're not with you, they're just going through the right motions.  Bin them.

My recommendation?  Look for the guys who've binned ketchup altogether and have embraced Guinness-flavoured HP Sauce.  They know where it's at.

It's too bad she won't live...but then again, who does?

News reaches me that a film company called Alcon have acquired the rights to both Blade Runner and Philip K Dick's "Do Androids...etc" with a view to making Prequels and Sequels.  First reaction...irk!

Now, I'm a total geek. I'm not ashamed.  I love Blade Runner to the extent that I've read Paul Sammon's "Future Noir" making of Blade Runner book quite a few times (no shit - it really is a fascinating read).

However, having seen the recent re-imagining of Tron one's first reaction is to ask them very kindly not to bother. (after all, one interview I've read with the producers states that the interview was taking place on their latest "Queen Latifah movie" - irk, again.)

While I'm completely curious as to what they plan to do with it (like I was with Tron), I can't escape the fact that I'll probably come away disappointed.  

I'm fairly confident that any attempt to re-visit the LA that Ridley Scott visually engineered will end in a fairly bland chase-and-shoot-fest, because that's all they do nowadays.  I don't think they'd be brave enough to make a film as iconic in design, or explores as many different themes or is simply as intelligent as a Blade Runner sequel would deserve to be.  They'd probably try and get Will Smith.

I do wonder though whether they should save themselves the time, bother and hassle and simply release another Remastered Director's Director's Cut (Widescreen) Blu-Ray version or something.  After all, whoever owns the film has made a few quid out of me - each time they've released a new version I have to buy the bugger. Gathering dust chez moi: VHS version, VHS widescreen, VHS Director's Cut, DVD version (lent to former friend - I still want that back by the way wherever you are), Replacement DVD version, Final Cut edition and Blu-Ray Final Cut Edition.

So save yourselves the trouble, you Hollywood types.  Simply put the original in a new box and idiots like me will buy it.  And to be perfectly frank, I think I'd prefer that to watching Will Smith chasing Jar-Jar Binks in a 'Spinner'* in a (irk) fast-paced, epic Summer blockbuster that just borrows the best bits but totally misses the point of the original Blade Runner**.

*see...told you I was a geek.
**Please see the remakes of Rollerball, Planet of the Apes, The Day the Earth Stood Still, et al...