Can you swallow this bullshit?

Our worldwide operations are aligned around a global strategy called the Plan to Win, which center on an exceptional customer experience – People, Products, Place, Price and Promotion. We are committed to continuously improving our operations and enhancing our customers' experience.

Jeezly crow.  This is the mission statement from one of the world's most recognisable brands and it means what? Nothing.  Here's a paragraph utterly without meaning, it doesn't inspire, give any insight, it doesn't even describe anything. It's "meh", it's vanilla, it's depressingly without any merit and what I would describe as "masturbatory" - it no doubt gave someone, somewhere a lot of pleasure but to me - totally irrelevant.

So which company came up with this insipid bullshit?  Well the main problem is that this could be anyone - there's no mention of what the product is or what type of service is on offer.

It's actually McDonalds. They don't even mention food, which for God's sake, is the one area they ought to focus on.


Recent experiences of said organisation's comestible offerings and the whole thing falls into place.  Quite why Mcdonalds hold the nation enthralled I do not know.  It's bad enough that we've allowed them to implant themselves as the official restaurant (!?) of the Olympics (how does that fit in with your Olympic values and lofty legacy goals?) but there are two or three in every town, packed to the rafters and the food, quite frankly, is shit.  In fact it reflects the missions statement perfectly: utterly without meaning, it doesn't inspire, give any insight, it's vanilla, it's depressingly without any merit.


Give me a Kebab anytime.....

You Sir, are indeed Special....

"Yes Sir, of course you're Special.  We recognised you were Special as soon as we saw you.  No, of course the Captain didn't mean YOU, when he said keep your seatbelt on and your phone switched off.  No, he was clearly talking to the rest of the riff-raff, we clearly understand that you're Special and you need to update your Facebook status the very second we land, after all, your followers must be very worried that the plane's landed and that you, the Special one, are safe.  No, not at all sir, we only tell the riff-raff to keep their phones off so that we keep the mobile networks free just for you, after all, you are indeed Special.  Ha ha ha, oh you heard our little joke about the aircraft refuelling and the highly flammable nature of aviation fuel, Oh no, sir, you needn't worry about that.  Not only are you Special, your phone is no doubt extremely Special, you're probably made of asbestos too - and if everyone else is consumed in a fiery inferno, well that will simply mean a shorter queue for you at passport control! Ha ha ha.  Oh don't worry about waiting your turn to get off the plane, feel free to push past anyone you wish, after all, you're Special, and while you paid the same for the flight as everyone else, you probably paid in Special pounds. The riff-raff will soon get out of the way if you push them enough! Don't worry Sir, as you're Special, everyone knows the rules don't apply to you, so when you stop at the supermarket on the way home, park in the Parents & Children spaces  - we've had a word with Sainsbury's and they agree you're Special and the big signs don't mean YOU - those parents make such a fuss about things don't they? In fact, those disabled people too! They shouldn't have all of those spaces in the first place! After all, if they were THAT disabled they wouldn't be going shopping would they? Park there! It's even closer! I bet they don't realise how special your life is and walking that extra 20 metres from a normal parking space might put the entire world in serious jeopardy!  Good job that you know that you're special and the normal rules don't apply.  In fact, whatever you do, please ignore all the signs, ignore good manners, push past everyone you can, keep your devices on, your seat reclined and your tray table down for all I care.  Because you, YOU sir, are indeed special."

Cech v. Scorpius.....

Uncanny...

Long pass from Charlie Adam picks out Glen Johnson who nutmegs Ashley Cole and beats Cech at the Farscape.  I mean far post.

These aren't the droids we're looking for - ours are much cleaner....

Those sad enough to read earlier entries of this non regular depository of random vitriol may recall my thoughts regarding remakes of classic films and "New Editions" of classics that one simply must buy, if only for the fact that it's there. If you thought that was dull, look away now.

Well, I've been and gone and done it again. As a recent recipient of a Blu-Ray DVD player (supplemented by our Harman/Kardan Sound Sticks - too, too cool) I requested and was rewarded with Star Wars 1 to 3 (or in effect 4-6) for my birthday. By 1 to 3, I mean the first films that came out, not the first three films in the sequence. You know, the ones where the R2D2 didn't have the jetpacks and Luke's hair is still a little bit big for comfort.

So, as I said before, I'll probably buy any new edition of my fave films just to get the bit of screen I didn't see (Widescreen edition), the 3 to 4 extra minutes of footage (Directors Cut) or the 5 minutes of digitally re-mastered CGI extended editions - or another three-quarters of an hour if you go the whole hog and buy the Lord of the Rings ED. (Totally, totally fucking worth it though, AND I would have gone the extra hour if they'd left in the little civil war in the Shire at the end).

However, buying a new set of Star Wars 1 to 6 on Blu-Ray strikes me as slightly different. Youe see, from wht I can gather, there's not actual new content. Same film, different resolution. (That's screen resolution not the ending) Same story, nothing added,but the space ships are grubbier, the robots frankly need a bit of a jetwash. I'm not really complaining as I love any new insight or new way of viewing these things...but the higher dpi doesn't do much for one or two characters in hindsight - good job they didn't change the dialogue...

Leia: Aren't you a little short for a Storm trooper
Luke: Are you a bit fucking spotty for a princess?

Now that I know who the "Injunction Celebrities" are, can someone please tell me who they are...?

OK, so I fell for it. I tried to resist for a while but ended up looking for details on Twitter and other blogs into who's bedroom shenanigans are causing all this fuss on every single media channel.

And I found what seems to be the answer (if consensus is anything to go by).

Now will somebody please tell me who the hell these people are? Ok I know of a couple of them but half of them I had to look up, even AFTER I knew their name and then seen a photo. I have to wonder about the size of some of the egos at work here.

The ultimate irony is that had these people not tried to keep their antics secret, I wouldn't have known, nor cared. Probably would have ignored the piece in the paper had it ever appeared. But know it's social media heaven, it's on BBC 5 live, it's all over the on and offline media it gives even most lazy bloggers like me something to sneer about.

But what really strikes me about "gagging orders", is that they don't seem to let us both ways. For instance, why don't they let us gag the celebrities?

I'm sick of hearing and seeing Katie Price, a once fairly pretty girl who got her boobs out, decided that letting us know every intimate detail of her life was just what we wanted and now just won't go away. Why not put an injunction on her?

Kerry Katona. Another one who gets right on my tits. Injunction! Cease and Desist Order!

Pete Doherty. Aaaargh!

In fact the sheer number of people I could apply this to has just made me extremely angry. I'm going for a lie down, it's simply too good an idea.

When you’re just dying to get on to television. Oh and the human centipede.

If I was one of the hard-core Emo kids I’d be going spare right now.  Honestly, if you harbour an honest pretention for years that only the cool dark gothic types like Edgar Allen Poe or Mary Shelley or Bram Stoker could really reach your cold, dark misunderstood soul.  And then suddenly, you can’t  turn on a movie without  falling over the undead, or turn on the TV without some cool attractive teenagers walking out of a lake - even the kids that wash or at least don’t wear long stripey socks are into the undead right now.   Twilight, Being Human, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Blood Ties, Vampire High, the list seems to be getting endless.  And what do the Emo Kids turn to now?  Particularly since My Chemical Romance got all crappy and sold out.

Not obvious.  At all.

Anyway, don’t get me wrong, I like a vampire now and again

Buffy was a truly good show.  Not just for the obvious reasons either.

What really gets me is the laziness of whoever’s commissioning this ever increasing number of programmes featuring the dead, the undead, the back from the dead, and the not dead but gets angry and unpleasant at a certain time of the month.   I mean werewolves, clearly.   [obvious joke removed]

I presume it’s not a lack of imagination on the writer’s side.

Writer: “Hey chief, got a new show idea for you”

Executive:  “Cool.  How many vampires?”

Or worse.

Meeting:

Exec 1: “Ladies and Gents, we’ve done some extensive market research.  The current downward economic cycle, polictical instability and personal uncertainty is leading to a new-fatalism within our target demographics.  They want something that taps into that dark zeitgeist.

So having looked at what our competitors do, vampires, werewolves, zombies, ghosts etc, we’ve come up with a totally new angle which meets both our target audience needs and targets our competitor share of the audience.

“It’s going to be based around a group of young, cool, good-looking vampires.”

Exec2: “But that’s what everyone is doing”

Exec1: “Yes, but ours will be wearing hats.”

And finally….The Human Centipede

I’d never heard of a horror film genre called “body shock” but it’s apparently trying new and foul ways to make you feel sick or something. (Jeez these guys should try eating at Chiquito’s which I might suggest is a marginally less costly but 100% more effective way of provoking nausea).

But I finally saw the film Human Centipede on the weekend.  The premise is foul and I won’t explain here, and parts are pretty hard to sit through – excruciating by being both disgusting and staggeringly poor at the same time.  

My major beef is that this type of film for me looks to provoke a singular human response. “It’s sick” cries the Director.  We go home feeling sick.  Well done.

I’d rather not be told what I should be feeling during and after a film and the best films surely aim higher in looking to provoke the whole range of human responses, sometimes at the same time and quite often with ambiguity.   See Schindler’s List if you want to be truly disgusted.  And no-one’s sewing someone’s bum to someone else’s face.  Which takes me back to Chiquito’s….

If you have to tell people it's a revolution, it's probably not a revolution...

This morning I looked down to see the delectable Kylie Minogue staring up at me.  Sadly, only from a loose insert that had found it's way to my bedroom floor.

Kylie Minogue in a Lexus?  The revolution is apparently here.

If I were to be overly pedantic, it's perhaps an unfortunate campaign strapline given the real revolutions going on in the Middle East and North Africa.  After all, changing your car to a hybrid is not quite as difficult as trying to avoid being shot by the secret police.  Nor is as difficult as toppling an encumbent military dictator who's been oppressing your country for 30 years without being trampled by a camel. 

I imagine that no-one in Tahrir Square read that little gem, stood up and shouted out "Hey guys, it's OK, we can go home now - Kylie's got a Lexus!"

But revolutions aside, I had to ponder over the wisdom of using Ms Minogue to front this campaign.  If, like me, when you think Lexus the first image that pops into your mind is "beige driving gloves" then you wonder whether Kylie is really the right ambassador. (Would you put Lady Gaga on a stairlift for instance?)

Clearly the chaps and chappettes at Lexus are pushing the brand to a new audience - new hybrid, new brand ambassador, and trying to appeal to those younger than their usual customers who might opt for a more dynamic marque given the choice.  Brave move, but I guess the average Lexus driver will be pretty loyal and broadening the brand's appeal to the younger audience is a logical move.  I just wonder if it's a step too far too soon - I would have to think hard before buying a Lexus - even with Kylie in it.

Oh who am I kidding?  I'd get into a wheelie-bin if Kylie was in it.  But it wouldn't necessarily make me believe that wheelie bins are cool.

Top-down Ketchup and the Agents of Change

Top-down Ketchup.  Like squeezy Marmite one of the true marks of progress in our time.

However, there are dark forces afoot. 

If you happen to be in someone's house, be it friend or relative, I challenge you to check their condiment cupboard, fridge or pantry and check out what's going on with the Ketchup situation.  It's a true marker for life.

A: Glass bottle: good stuff nostalgia: I've recently got back into ELO (I can't it it out of my head  - ha!) - guilty pleasure from my childhood - much like Colonel Wilma Deering from Buck Rogers, who used to make me go all funny and need a lie down. Still does in fact.

Yarp!

And I currently can't stop playing Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" - now that IS a song. (particularly with the Muppets doing backing vocals).

However, if you're still bashing the arse out of a glass bottle of Heinz for any other reason than nostalgia, you perhaps need to move on.

B: Squeezy Ketchup.  Now this individual is no stranger to change.  Probably realised early that Betamax was going nowhere and grasped VHS with both hands.  However, might still be waiting to see if the internet catches on.  Unfortunately, the only justification for squeezy top-up ketchup is that it has be one of the cheap brands one might find in Aldi, and that unfortunately comes under guilty childhood pleasures (see above).  Otherwise you're just not in the game.

C: Top-Down Ketchup,  Now you're talking. These dudes are cutting edge.  You should be honoured in their presence, they know their shit.  They've purchased a ketchup product YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO SHAKE!  This is the kind of individual you want to employ, they're not only aware of new technology, they'll embrace it.  They're frontier builders.  They'll be with you every step if you want to change things.

However.....
D:  Top-Down Ketchup Bottle Stored with the top up!
Aaaargh.  Aaaaaaaaaargh!  Double yew tee eff?
Seriously, these are the guys you need to look out for, in fact I'd even advocate testing people you're condsidering employing.  It's simple, if they choose top-down ketchup but you find it in their cupboard with the top up, you need to worry. 

Having worked in a vast global corp for many years, you come across people that superficially grasp change, they make the right noises but at the end of the day, behaviourally they're not committed and will always put the ketchup back in the cupboard with the lid at the top (metaphorically). Cowards and Luddites.  They're not with you, they're just going through the right motions.  Bin them.

My recommendation?  Look for the guys who've binned ketchup altogether and have embraced Guinness-flavoured HP Sauce.  They know where it's at.

It's too bad she won't live...but then again, who does?

News reaches me that a film company called Alcon have acquired the rights to both Blade Runner and Philip K Dick's "Do Androids...etc" with a view to making Prequels and Sequels.  First reaction...irk!

Now, I'm a total geek. I'm not ashamed.  I love Blade Runner to the extent that I've read Paul Sammon's "Future Noir" making of Blade Runner book quite a few times (no shit - it really is a fascinating read).

However, having seen the recent re-imagining of Tron one's first reaction is to ask them very kindly not to bother. (after all, one interview I've read with the producers states that the interview was taking place on their latest "Queen Latifah movie" - irk, again.)

While I'm completely curious as to what they plan to do with it (like I was with Tron), I can't escape the fact that I'll probably come away disappointed.  

I'm fairly confident that any attempt to re-visit the LA that Ridley Scott visually engineered will end in a fairly bland chase-and-shoot-fest, because that's all they do nowadays.  I don't think they'd be brave enough to make a film as iconic in design, or explores as many different themes or is simply as intelligent as a Blade Runner sequel would deserve to be.  They'd probably try and get Will Smith.

I do wonder though whether they should save themselves the time, bother and hassle and simply release another Remastered Director's Director's Cut (Widescreen) Blu-Ray version or something.  After all, whoever owns the film has made a few quid out of me - each time they've released a new version I have to buy the bugger. Gathering dust chez moi: VHS version, VHS widescreen, VHS Director's Cut, DVD version (lent to former friend - I still want that back by the way wherever you are), Replacement DVD version, Final Cut edition and Blu-Ray Final Cut Edition.

So save yourselves the trouble, you Hollywood types.  Simply put the original in a new box and idiots like me will buy it.  And to be perfectly frank, I think I'd prefer that to watching Will Smith chasing Jar-Jar Binks in a 'Spinner'* in a (irk) fast-paced, epic Summer blockbuster that just borrows the best bits but totally misses the point of the original Blade Runner**.

*see...told you I was a geek.
**Please see the remakes of Rollerball, Planet of the Apes, The Day the Earth Stood Still, et al...

Big business raids the Pot, again....

Could the Government’s £400m pot for feed-in tariff’s be under threat?

The Feed-In Tariffs (FIT’s) were originally aimed at financially rewarding homeowners and SME’s who  wished to install micro-generation technology by making the proposition more attractive, offering an income in return for the power generated and drastically lowering payback period.

However, the pot of money is not infinite, and it would appear that there is a risk that Big Business wants too greater a share of the pot.  Planning applications for Solar farms have increased dramatically as firms look to cash in on the funds available through the FITs, and before long, amount of money available to consumers could seriously dwindle.
While the Government has pledged to protect the ring-fenced Independent Renewable Energy Incentive, without protecting the funds for the benefit of consumers industrial-size solar farms may eat away at the FITs, meaning that the excitement created within the industry and the potential for large-scale domestic installation of renewable micro-generation gets eaten away for the benefit of a few large businesses.
http://bit.ly/fqbSD1

Dear Play.com...

Ok, I'm sorry.

I should have been more honest with you from the start.  Our relationship was never going to go anywhere. You see, I've been seeing Amazon for some time.  She's never let me down and I'm really rather fond of her.  I admit she's clingy sometimes, but she gives me some space now and again.

When my friend first told me about you, I was intrigued.  You were pretty, vibrant, something different.  And as you clearly remember, we dabbled briefly.  My head was temporarily turned.

I didn't feel guilty. After all, Amazon sees other people but I always knew that and I've always accepted that, as long as she was there when I needed her.  And she always is, and that's what makes our thing so special.

Now I feel I have to be brutally honest with you.  When we were together it was about the music.  I had an itch you temporarily scratched.  And if it was still about the music, we'd still have those beautiful memories to share and who know's what might have developed

But now it's gone too far.

Let me be clear - we connected twice, and we did the same music thing both times.  So what makes you think I want to go to the cinema with you? Or shop for clothes?  Or play games?   You're filling my inbox with things you don't know I like, and you're guessing.  You're sounding desperate.  In fact you sound like you don't know me at all.  You've gone all fatal attraction.

Why don't you talk to me about music?  Why don't you focus on what you know about me?  I might have come back.  And further down the line we might have started to do different things.

But because I bought music, you talk to me about shopping for gifts.  If I said I liked rugby, would you talk to me about choosing wallpaper?  Or if I'd said I like curry, you want me to buy a Take That hoodie?

When the bunny boils down to it.  I just don't think we've got anything in common, so I think you should stop emailing me every day if you're going to make it all about you.

You're pretty.  We shared some good times. But I prefer the more intelligent type.

Finally blogging....

At last.  I've committed to blogging.  I hope I've got something interesting to say.

The answer when posed to close friends and colleagues as to whether it's worth putting various vacuous and random thoughts online was a resounding: "...and now you're worried about being witty, erudite and interesting?  Just carry on with the usual rubbish."

Et voila.